Unfortunately, there seem to be some pretty heavy storms in my life at the current moment and my character is being tested. Despite all the amazing and exciting things happening, there is unrest in my soul. As expected, life has gotten far more complicated since moving back to Colorado and I'm feeling the effects.
Keane and I have been forced to face painful family issues head on, no longer having the protection of a state line to buffer us. I'm having an extremely hard time forgiving and anger has taken its toll on my heart. I feel extra protective of my space and time in an attempt to guard myself from additional hurt. This pregnancy has only heightened the urge to create boundaries for our growing family and I'm trying to parse out what is reasonable and what is emotionally driven.
Right now on my mountain climb I'm amidst some thick clouds. I can't quite get my bearings and I'm staggering side to side, bumping into rocks and bruising my shins. I'm desperate for some direction and some peace.
I don't want to waste my precious energy fighting my environment when I should be freeing myself from it, but the emotional and logical are feuding in my head. I'm angry but I know unwillingness to forgive only hurts me. I long for a change but I know the only thing I must change is my perspective.
I also know that I've gotten complacent on my journey. I've stopped taking care of my spiritual self because I've been short on time. But I know now more than ever that when life picks up, I need to slow down and reconnect with the one thing that is real. I need to pray and go to church and read and be in silence. I need refreshers on how to remain centered, living from within, because I so easily forget. I need to turn off the TV and go to the gym. I need to spend time in nature. All these things should be made a priority.
In times of difficulty we have no choice but to keep moving forward, even when it's difficult to see where we're going. The storm will eventually pass and things will become clear again. Until then, we can only refine and improve ourselves while letting go of that which is beyond our control. We can't change the actions of others, but we can choose to forgive for our own well-being. Anything less is too heavy a load to shoulder on our climb.
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah Winfrey