Keane's Quotables

There are two things I've come to know as true in our household. 

1) I like reality television. a lot. (There I said it.)

2) Keane likes to make unnecessary remarks while I'm watching said reality television. a lot. 

Normally it infuriates me because I can't hear what Teresa is yelling at Joe about when Keane is in my ear claiming it all to be garbage. But sometimes it makes me think about important life lessons, like the other night.  

Exhibit A:

It happened while Brooks was slowly and painstakingly breaking up with Des on the Bachelorette (SPOILER ALERT: Brooks slowly and painstakingly breaks up with Des on the Bachelorette). Keane appeared next to me with a truly insightful remark.

"You know, you can't sugarcoat a turd. You just have to drop it and let it stink."

And it got me thinking...you really can't sugarcoat a turd, can you? Sometimes you have to say hard things out loud and honesty is (usually) always the best policy, even when the news stinks. Profound, right? I thought so too. 

Well said, my love. Well said. 

and just because I can't help myself... 

The shiz no one tells you after childbirth

Like moths to a flame, veteran mamas always seem to flock to expectant women in order to share their terrifying labor play-by-plays or graphic pregnancy war stories. I can't imagine they believe this information is truly helpful; they just need someone to commiserate with I suppose. Either way, I hated these women when I was pregnant. I didn't care to hear the tale of an epidural gone terribly wrong, or a story about a women's tailbone snapping while pushing out her baby, or about the onset and treatment of pregnancy hemorrhoids. I didn't want any negative energy affecting my own experience.

With that said, there are some things I think need to be discussed. My intention here is not to scare any of my childless friends from ever getting pregnant (because trust me, I want each and every one of you knocked up, like yesterday), but I wish someone had prepared me for what takes place after pregnancy and labor. These are the things no one ever seems to talk about, probably because they are busy kissing all over fat new baby cheeks. But I want to change that. It's time to get real. Ready? Go.

First, you will not want anyone else holding your baby for a while. Don't get me wrong, you want to show off your new bundle of joy, but you are also convinced visitors will either drop her or give her the ebola virus.

It will hurt to poop for months after childbirth and you will experience PTSD-style flashbacks each time you head to the bathroom.

After having a baby attached to your boobs every two hours for the last three months, you will no longer view those things as anything other than life-giving milkshake dispensers. They want no part of being fondled by your frisky partner. 

The last 10 pounds of baby weight does not fall off simply because you are breastfeeding. That stuff clings to your butt and thighs like white on rice to ensure that if you never have another meal, you can still feed your baby.

In the first weeks after your baby is born, you will dread the nighttime. While it used to foster feelings of peace and relaxation, it now brings with it bleak isolation and exhaustion. You will see the clock read 10:00pm, midnight, 2:00, 3:30, 5:30 and 7:00am while you feed your baby in a groggy state. You will resent your husband for sleeping like a rock through it all. (Normally, you would have said, "sleeping like a baby" but it turns out babies don't actually sleep and you realize whoever came up with this term is full of crap.) You will also do some of your best thinking at these ungodly hours. You may even scheme up ways of selling all your belongings just to afford a night nanny.

Much to your husband's dismay, you will have no interest in sex. The term "Irish Twins" makes you shudder as you question how anyone gets pregnant so soon after delivering a baby because THIS.SHOP.IS.CLOSED for the foreseeable future.

You want to kick everyone in the shins who tries to convince you that you'll feel back to normal after 6 weeks. 16 weeks seems like a more reasonable expectation. Yes 16 weeks. You're still hopeful for 16 weeks.

You think it is very likely that your heart will explode from the love you feel for your child. It is an all-consuming, scary kind of love and you have to convince yourself daily that she is not yours– not really. She doesn't belong to you and as hard as you try, you can't will her to keep breathing while she sleeps. You must give up control and just accept each moment with her as a gift if you wish to maintain any semblance of sanity.

So there you have it– a few things I would have appreciated a heads up on as I blindly walked into motherhood.

Is there anything you wish someone would have warned you about? Feel free to add to the list!

Keane's Quotables

A particularly ridonkulous conversation which took place in the middle of the night while I was nursing Liv. It started with a jab to Keane's ribs to inform him of his snoring.

Me: ::jab::

Me: ::jab jab::

Him: What?! What the hell was that?!

Me: It was me. You're snoring.

Him: Mmmm like a Ferrari. (I mean....who even is this person!)

::crickets while trying to contain my laughter::

Me: Oooookay... well can you roll over?

Him: Yeah, sure, you got it.

::Meanwhile, he remains in the same position and continues to snore::

Me: KEANE! ROLL OVER! ::simultaneous kick to the leg::

Him: Oh yeah, sorry.

He's lucky he's cute. 

This guy...

When Liv was just a few days old, we gave our Baby K' tan a try for the first time. Keane was pleased to discover what the assumed to be a hat/scarf combo in the box. 

Then he proceeded to demonstrate all its different styles and uses, one being a sling for your broken arm. 

You can't have him, he's mine. 

Christmas card outtake

Just call him Clark Griswold. 

Keane's Quotables

After an appointment with our midwife yesterday, Keane and I were discussing our birth plan and envisioning how we anticipate things playing out while I'm in labor.

Me: "So are you going to be in the tub with me while I'm having the baby?"
Keane with the straightest of faces: "We'll see. I'll bring my goggles and snorkel just in case."

I can't get enough of this man. I just can't.

15 weeks!

Swift Thrifting

Five vintage glasses in a lovely shade of aqua? Don't mind if I do.

I scored these pretties on a recent Goodwill Greatwill rummage and I lurrrrve them. 

If I'm ever short on time in a thrift store, my strategy (because you almost always have to have one) is to head straight to the home goods section since it's easier to spot diamonds in the rough when things are lined neatly on a shelf. Clothing requires significantly more time and patience. 

I know what you are thinking. She must have been a waitress in college! Why, yes! Yes I was.

Also, animal print pants for the win!

I'll admit, I considered only buying one. A special glass just for me, sort of like the pimp cup was to lil Jon in 2004. But at one dollar a piece, I couldn't resist all five. I actually stood there in the aisle of Goodwill, imagining myself 15 years into the future setting the dinner table for a family of five. It just didn't seem fair to deny each member of our household their own pimp cup aqua glass. 

So it was settled. They all came home with me the way God intended– as a complete set of five. And all was right in the world. 

America's Best Dance Crew...we're coming for you

This is what happens when small-town delirium gets the best of two seemingly normal individuals.

A few things became evident from this video: Chicago has NOTHING on Casper which is the real windy city, I could be mistaken for Gumby, and my man can do anything in a pair of cowboy boots.

The line to be our friend starts over there.

Keane's Quotables

Him: "This lotion smells like rotten sour cream."

Me: "Well my face smells like rotten eggs." 

Him: "Match made in heaven." 

I love apple cider vinegar. I mix it in my water, cook with it and recently started rubbing it on my face at night as a toner. Before you judge, an esthetician recommended it. 

After I wash my face with soap, I mix two parts water and one part raw apple cider vinegar, dab the mixture on my face with a cotton ball, let it sit for 15 minutes, then rinse. 

A few nights ago, Keane happened to be moisturizing with some really old Udder Cream he found under the sink while I was applying my nightly regimen (See Also: STINKY). 

We were a sight for sore eyes noses. 

A short while later as we were lying in bed, I initiated this exchange:

Me: "Eww, your feet stink!"

Him: "No, Kelly. That's your face."

Me: "Oh. Right...sorry." 

It's a glamourous life we live. 

Check yo self before you wreck yo self

Friendly PSA: 

Remember when I mentioned I went to the dermatologist last month? Well, she took off two spots that appeared concerning and I got a call with the results last week. The freckle on my stomach came back with abnormal pre-cancerous cells which means I now have to go get a bunch more skin carved out to ensure that area doesn't develop cancer in the future. 

::whomp whomp::

On the upside, we discovered it before it became an issue. 

So! This is my public service announcement encouraging everyone to get your apple bottoms to the dermo and have your skin checked. 

You can thank me later. 

Keane's Quotables

"Love you! Life is good today!"

This wouldn't normally be considered a funny comment, except that Keane accidentally texted it to his coworker instead of me. 

What's even better is that the guy never responded so Keane didn't realize he sent it to another man until hours after the fact when he went to send another text. 

Any other person would have been embarrassed, but not my mister. 

He owned it!

You are so right, babe. Life IS good today.

Keane's Quotables

"Babe, I'm here in sickness or health, injured or noninjured, back or hip, groin or intestines, vomit or diarrhea."

There were a few particular moments over the Christmas holiday where I felt like someone punched me in the face, and then continued to kick me while I was down. Over the course of a couple days, I had two concerning spots on my skin removed by the dermatologist, was told by my neurosurgeon that the MRI of my lower spine looked great but that there were some definite concerns in my hip (namely a cyst, torn ligaments and bone deterioration which would explain the recent pain in my pelvis and hips), was referred to an orthopedic surgeon who couldn't see me until February, and on top of it all, got the stomach flu on Christmas night. 

Hmph! 

On Wednesday, after we finally made it back to Wyoming, I sat on the couch and thanked Keane for sticking by me and my old-woman body this year, and apologized to him for having to deal with me in my current, very sorry condition. His response made me laugh and forget how terrible I was feeling, if only for a moment. 

What a lucky girl I am. 

2011: Year in Review

January 4th marks the first birthday of this blog.
One year ago, I made it a new years resolution to write more often, and decided to create a public place for friends and family to be able to keep tabs on our happenings.

This little space has provided me with an enormous creative outlet.
It's continually been a place I could use to chronicle memories and share stories about our day-to-day lives. I love that people from all over the world stop in each day to read the sometimes serious, mostly silly, and often mundane aspects of our humble lives.
(Hello Russia, Germany, Spain, Malaysia, Chile, Brazil, Slovenia, Columbia, United Kingdom, Latvia, Netherlands, Mexico, United Arab Emirates, Afganistan, Taiwan, and Canada!!! Thanks for reading!)

With that said, here is our 2011 year in review:

In January, the hubs and I ventured back to the place we were married for a winter weekend getaway. We became an auntie and an uncle for the sixth time with the arrival of our niece, Lily, and I toyed with the idea of staying behind while my mister moved to Wyoming. 

In February, we celebrated a dear friend's birthday while she was visiting town. Keane's parents informed us of their separation, we tried out our new mountain bikes, and began packing up our lives to start a grand adventure.

March brought with it new gadgets, reflection on relationships, and an inspiring change in seasons.

In April, we decided I would quit my job and move to Wyoming to support my husband, but only after helping my sister while they welcomed their third baby into the family. Keane made me laugh and I got a second steroid injection in my back.

 May brought winds of change (literally) when I was finally reunited with my family. We explored our new home, got really lost, and I made a tough decision.

 In June, we welcomed our best friends for a weekend stay, then traveled back to Colorado for a serious spinal surgery. I missed my family, and the love of my life turned 26. 

In July, we celebrated another birthday, hosted a few visitors, and I taught myself how to sew. 

I began to fall in love with Wyoming in August. We went camping almost every weekend and exchanged cotton gifts on our second wedding anniversary. 

September! September was legit. We discovered we would be moving again and I attempted to remain present in each moment. We took an epic trip to Yellowstone in the 'Bearded Clam' and I spent my golden birthday on a Harley.

In October, I was mean and we dealt with a major poop-related problem. I started my amazing new job and we dressed up for my favorite holiday with our favorite people. 

I was honest about my past in November and focussed on thoughts of gratitude each week. We also cooked our first Thanksgiving meal all by ourselves. 

In December, Keane made me giggle so often that I started a new series of posts dedicated to documenting some of the occurrences. I continued to struggle with pain and was very proud of my man. Our Christmas went way too fast. 

2011 was a year of exciting change and new adventures. We experienced growth in our marriage and a new take on life's inevitable shifting. It was also a year of physical challenges and turbulent emotions, which I am committed to conquering no matter how long it takes.

I look forward to 2012 with wide open arms.
I anxiously await the experiences it will hold and the people it will bring into our lives.

Wishing you a safe, healthy and joyous New Year, my friends!

and so it is...

Keane's Quotables

"Maybe you could grab the spray bottle and a piece of gum."

I have been cutting Keane's hair for years. 

Not because I know how to cut hair, but because it is a way for use to save $20 and lucky for us both, his hair is thick and curly and hides my mistakes.

We use a ghetto rigged system that involves kitchen scissors and a trash bag. 

Each time I see him rip a hole in another trash bag and slip it over his head to make a cape, I giggle and assure him I will invest in proper equipment for next time. 

Wednesday night, we found ourselves in the same situation: Shirt off, cape trash bag on. As he stood in front of me and I buzzed away at the sides of his head, he made two requests: a spray bottle to wet his locks and a piece of gum. for me. 

Well, at least he asked nicely.

But it didn't stop there. Oh, no no. 

The situation continued to go downhill even after I freshened my breath. 

Picture this: a grown man, standing in his underwear with a see-through, white garbage bag sticking to his bare chest, and hair which was only buzzed on the sides (reminiscent of Will Smith circa 1992. You know the one, right?)

I put down the scissors to laugh my laugh where no sound actually comes out, and begged to take a picture. His response: "No! I'm not going to end up on your blog with my pepperonis showing. No one wants to see that."

That's Ok though, because it turns out mental pictures can be just as priceless as actual ones. 

The Mrs: 1

The Mr: 0

Sorry hun. 

Goodwill? No Greatwill.

I love a good deal as much as the next Frugal Frieda. Maybe even more.

I rarely buy anything full price and I've formed a deep love affair with Banana Republic's clearance section, Nordstrom Rack and TJ Maxx (that's Maxxinista to you). Finding a good deal is like a drug for me. I use coupons, wait for sales, and scour ebay and amazon just to save a few bucks. Case in point: The other day, we drove to three different pharmacies because I wanted to save $6 on flu shots.

My latest obsession? Thrift stores. Although most of them smell like mothballs and old people, I find myself able to spend hours rummaging through old nicknacks, purses, shoes and clothes for diamonds in the rough. Goodwills are my favorite because they usually have the most crap inventory. 

I try to see things for what they could be not what they are, which is what makes thrifting so fun. 

Here, let me show you.

I picked up these silver candlesticks for $1.50 each. Besides a little polishing, nothing drastic needed to be done.

This little ceramic birdie was less than a $1. I'm thinking about spray painting her white one of these days. 

This vase was about $5 and weighs a ton. It was red and black when I bought it but with a couple coats of paint and a "dripping" technique, I transformed it to better suit our color scheme. 

Here are all the schnicker schnackers (Modern Family? Anyone? Anyone?) in action. 

This leaf dish is one of my favorite finds of all time. I picked it up at Goodwill in Denver for a few bucks. There it was, sitting pathetic and alone on the shelf in it's awful shade of poop brown. I could have just overlooked it, but instead, I thought to myself, "Self! Take this awesomely curvy ceramic dish home! Paint it crispy white and keep your keys and chapstick and sunglasses in it!"

So I did. 

And we do. 

I found the frame for this project  at Goodwill for $4. 

And let's not forget my moccs. The ones I found with tags still on them for stupid cheap? The ones I originally bought for a costume but that I now wear most days because they feel like air and allow me to pretend I'm an Avatar living on Pandora, ready to spear my next meal, climb a tree, and sleep in a hammock? 

Yeah, those moccs. 

Score!

So get out there and start thrifting! There are endless jewels just waiting to be uncovered, painted and repurposed. 

A few words of advice though? Bring a coffee or some riddalin for added determination and focus and always remember to breathe through your mouth, never through your nose. 

Then, promptly shower upon your return home. That one's very important. 

And because I'm feeling generous today, I'll share one more of my finds that is still a work in progress. 

Isn't she a beauty? I've been hacking away at this number for some time now (jury's still out on whether or not I've totally botched it) in hopes of coming up with something a little less...80s. So far, the shoulder pads are out, sleeves are gone, and hem is shortened. 

I really love the fabric so I hope it comes together. 

One night, before I started cutting it up, I put the dress on and casually strutted past Keane without telling him of my plans. I kept a straight face for as long as I could.

Shoulder pads make me feel equal parts sass and cheese. 

Happy thrifting! 

Keane's Quotables

"There is nothing I enjoy more than a huge dump"

The other night, after Keane's ground breaking ceremony at work, we were treated to dinner with one of his coworkers and the owner's rep on the job. While chatting over our nice meals, we all noticed how hard it happened to be snowing outside. Keane proceeded to convey his love for large snow storms with a very uncomfortable and inappropriate depiction.

As soon as he said it, he realized it came out wrong. All wrong. And I almost snorted liquids through my nose. 

That guy...

Keane's Quotables

"This is terrible! I went from a wonderful morning back-scratch to having ice cold chai dripping down my crack."

I have said it time and time again, but Keane has me in tears most days from his hilarious one liners. He is truly one of the funniest people I know and we spend so much of our time together playing and laughing. I found it a shame to deny our friends and family the same joy I get from his humor (most of the time when he's not even trying to be funny) so I will be sharing some of his best "Quotables" when they occur. 

Enjoy!

*This particular quotable was from this morning while I scratched his back on the couch. Forgetting there was a cup of morning goodness sitting next to me, it tipped and well...you get it. 

TGIFizzle

Speaking of Snoop... this little number is from my "pure gold" Pinterest page, because, obviously. 

And in other unrelated news, these people aren't joking... 

and this moment will forever be immortalized thanks to the good old world wide web...

Poor girls. 

Who doesn't love Fridays? No one, that's who.

Welp, I'm glad we've agreed that this post has no real relevance. Unless of course you enjoy laughing out loud at really awkward autocorrect texts, then you should definitely go here. Grab a tissue to wipe your eyes and a new pair of pants for when you wet yours. 

Happy Friday!

It's for the kids

Is it wrong that I'm buying items for our future babies' nurseries? No, I'm not pregnant and in fact, we don't even have any intentions of getting pregnant in the near future.

But yesterday, I bought a pink marble hippo

and a wooden plaque which I hope to one day display in the rooms of our little ones. 

I wish I could say these were the first things I've bought in preparation for little boy and girl bambinos, but I can't.

We are also now the proud owners of a floating shelf which I plan to refinish and hang to display the little ceramic bird I bought because I thought it would make a sweet addition to a dreamy nursery one day.

I've got problems!

So until that day comes, these items will live in our tiny apartment, just waiting for their permanent home in a child's room.

Keane's take on it all? He liked the sign (said it was a nice quote) but questioned my judgement on the polka dotted hippo. Seriously, how he even notices these things is beyond me. I literally had it already positioned on a shelf as a book end when he arrived home and it took less than 2 minutes for him to zero in on it. It's like he's a freakin blood hound whose job is to sniff out his wife's new purchases!

Someday maybe he'll appreciate my frugal spending.

It's for the kids babe. The kids. 

An Issue of Epic Poo-portions

Ummm, this is awkward. 

We have a problem. Well, actually it's our fur baby who has the problem, we're just left dealing with its  aftermath. 

About once a week, while we are doing our parental duty (no pun intended- you'll see in a minute) of exercising our dogs, our Cashboy finds the freshest pile of doodie (see? there it is) he can and promptly drops a shoulder into it. He then proceeds to roll around, proudly sporting an ear to ear grin as if he has just accomplished a remarkable feat.

And right when you think the horror is over, he gets up, only to smell the pile once more, and again body slams himself down to compact the poo even further into his neck, shoulder and ribs. 

Now, this is a problem for two reasons. 

One: nobody wants to be the parent of the "stinky kid." 

Trust me when I say it's super awkward to have to shout warnings to a fellow hiker or dog park patron about petting your very friendly dog because he has poop smeared all over his white fur. 

It's a shaming look they give and not one to be easily forgotten.  

And two: cleanup is a thankless job. 

It usually involves rubber gloves and a lot of curse words. If I could only count the number of texts the mister and I have sent to each other to inform of yet another poo related casualty. I'll admit that sometimes I choose to take scissors to the affected areas rather than go through the hassle of yet another bath. 

We are dealing with a very serious issue here. 

We try to scold him, banish him, run at him wildly with hands waving in the air to scare him. 

None of it works and we end up looking like crazy people. 

The boy loves poop and I'm at a total loss. 

There will undoubtably be more fece fiascos until we come up with a solution.

Cesar Milan? Take pity on us? Please?