Keane's Quotables

Sometime around 3am the other night...

Keane jolted up in bed and reached across to grab my legs. Having almost scared the poo right out of me, I barked at him, "AHHH! WHAT are you doing?!"

"Oh sorry, I thought Liv was falling out of bed. I was trying to grab her."

Liv doesn't even sleep in our bed, mind you. In a huff, I rolled over and tried to get comfortable again, squirming around until I found my cocoon.

Groggy and still mostly asleep, Keane had the gall to say, "I'm going to need you to calm down."

"Ugh, whatever Keane," I responded while giving him the side eye. I get very defensive in the dark, I'll have you know.

Then, as if out of some Russian mob scene, he calmly (and creepily) said, "Just call me Sarkovsky."


I'm sorry, WHO? WHAT? I can't even...

Keane's Quotables

Me: How do you feel about thigh gap?

Keane: I'm sorry, what?

Me: Thigh gap. It's a very hot topic right now. Women don't want their thighs to touch when their feet are together. They think thigh gap is the ultimate "thinspiration."

Keane: First of all, Ew. Women whose thighs don't touch look like little boys. And second, where are you coming up with all of this terminology?



Well ladies, you heard it straight from the horse's mouth...DOWN WITH THIGH GAP!

Keane's Quotables

There are two things I've come to know as true in our household. 

1) I like reality television. a lot. (There I said it.)

2) Keane likes to make unnecessary remarks while I'm watching said reality television. a lot. 

Normally it infuriates me because I can't hear what Teresa is yelling at Joe about when Keane is in my ear claiming it all to be garbage. But sometimes it makes me think about important life lessons, like the other night.  

Exhibit A:

It happened while Brooks was slowly and painstakingly breaking up with Des on the Bachelorette (SPOILER ALERT: Brooks slowly and painstakingly breaks up with Des on the Bachelorette). Keane appeared next to me with a truly insightful remark.

"You know, you can't sugarcoat a turd. You just have to drop it and let it stink."

And it got me thinking...you really can't sugarcoat a turd, can you? Sometimes you have to say hard things out loud and honesty is (usually) always the best policy, even when the news stinks. Profound, right? I thought so too. 

Well said, my love. Well said. 

and just because I can't help myself... 

Keane's Quotables

A particularly ridonkulous conversation which took place in the middle of the night while I was nursing Liv. It started with a jab to Keane's ribs to inform him of his snoring.

Me: ::jab::

Me: ::jab jab::

Him: What?! What the hell was that?!

Me: It was me. You're snoring.

Him: Mmmm like a Ferrari. (I mean....who even is this person!)

::crickets while trying to contain my laughter::

Me: Oooookay... well can you roll over?

Him: Yeah, sure, you got it.

::Meanwhile, he remains in the same position and continues to snore::

Me: KEANE! ROLL OVER! ::simultaneous kick to the leg::

Him: Oh yeah, sorry.

He's lucky he's cute. 

Keane's Quotables

Keane: Why would you buy such a creepy toy to hang in our daughter's face? 

Me: What? What do you mean? 

Keane: That weird looking African man wearing a beanie. It's kind of scary.

Me: Keane, that's a zebra. Z for zebra...see? 

He legitimately thought the lower half of the zebra's head was the face of a man (two white eyes, a weird nose and a big smile) and he couldn't figure out what the Z was for. And now, since he pointed it out, all I can see is a man in a striped suit with a superhero Z on his chest. Thanks for ruining such a cute (and expensive) Pottery Barn toy for me, babe!

Keane's Quotables

Me: "What would you do if you had to go to prison for the rest of your life?"

Him: "Well, I'd probably try to gouge someone's eye out on the first day so everyone thought I was crazy and no one would mess with me."


These are very important things to think about and discuss, people...

Keane's Quotables

After an appointment with our midwife yesterday, Keane and I were discussing our birth plan and envisioning how we anticipate things playing out while I'm in labor.

Me: "So are you going to be in the tub with me while I'm having the baby?"
Keane with the straightest of faces: "We'll see. I'll bring my goggles and snorkel just in case."

I can't get enough of this man. I just can't.

15 weeks!

Keane's Quotables

Him: "This lotion smells like rotten sour cream."

Me: "Well my face smells like rotten eggs." 

Him: "Match made in heaven." 

I love apple cider vinegar. I mix it in my water, cook with it and recently started rubbing it on my face at night as a toner. Before you judge, an esthetician recommended it. 

After I wash my face with soap, I mix two parts water and one part raw apple cider vinegar, dab the mixture on my face with a cotton ball, let it sit for 15 minutes, then rinse. 

A few nights ago, Keane happened to be moisturizing with some really old Udder Cream he found under the sink while I was applying my nightly regimen (See Also: STINKY). 

We were a sight for sore eyes noses. 

A short while later as we were lying in bed, I initiated this exchange:

Me: "Eww, your feet stink!"

Him: "No, Kelly. That's your face."

Me: "Oh. Right...sorry." 

It's a glamourous life we live. 

Keane's Quotables

"What's Metamucil? Should we start drinking that soon? Isn't that what old people drink for their joints? You should probably start now since you have bad hips."

Last night during dinner we were talking about getting older. The fact that our bodies don't work like they did 10 years ago and that we are now closer to 30 than we are to 20. Keane will be turning 27 in a couple months. 27. That is a full-fledged adult in my book. I try not to worry about getting older, but the realization is setting in that each year creeps up faster than the one before and it's kind of scary. 

Aaanyhoo, the moral of this story is that getting older sucks and Keane may or may not start taking Metamucil for his aging joints. 

Until I informed him that Metamucil does not help your joints, it makes you poop.

Keane's Quotables

After coming across this photo on Pinterest, I showed it to Keane and told him I wanted to reenact it because it's so beautiful. He studied the photo for a second, then responded with this: 

"Yeah, but where are we going to find a sombrero that big?"

 Ooooh logistics...

Happy Friday!

Keane's Quotables

"Love you! Life is good today!"

This wouldn't normally be considered a funny comment, except that Keane accidentally texted it to his coworker instead of me. 

What's even better is that the guy never responded so Keane didn't realize he sent it to another man until hours after the fact when he went to send another text. 

Any other person would have been embarrassed, but not my mister. 

He owned it!

You are so right, babe. Life IS good today.

Keane's Quotables

"Babe, I'm here in sickness or health, injured or noninjured, back or hip, groin or intestines, vomit or diarrhea."

There were a few particular moments over the Christmas holiday where I felt like someone punched me in the face, and then continued to kick me while I was down. Over the course of a couple days, I had two concerning spots on my skin removed by the dermatologist, was told by my neurosurgeon that the MRI of my lower spine looked great but that there were some definite concerns in my hip (namely a cyst, torn ligaments and bone deterioration which would explain the recent pain in my pelvis and hips), was referred to an orthopedic surgeon who couldn't see me until February, and on top of it all, got the stomach flu on Christmas night. 

Hmph! 

On Wednesday, after we finally made it back to Wyoming, I sat on the couch and thanked Keane for sticking by me and my old-woman body this year, and apologized to him for having to deal with me in my current, very sorry condition. His response made me laugh and forget how terrible I was feeling, if only for a moment. 

What a lucky girl I am. 

Keane's Quotables

"Maybe you could grab the spray bottle and a piece of gum."

I have been cutting Keane's hair for years. 

Not because I know how to cut hair, but because it is a way for use to save $20 and lucky for us both, his hair is thick and curly and hides my mistakes.

We use a ghetto rigged system that involves kitchen scissors and a trash bag. 

Each time I see him rip a hole in another trash bag and slip it over his head to make a cape, I giggle and assure him I will invest in proper equipment for next time. 

Wednesday night, we found ourselves in the same situation: Shirt off, cape trash bag on. As he stood in front of me and I buzzed away at the sides of his head, he made two requests: a spray bottle to wet his locks and a piece of gum. for me. 

Well, at least he asked nicely.

But it didn't stop there. Oh, no no. 

The situation continued to go downhill even after I freshened my breath. 

Picture this: a grown man, standing in his underwear with a see-through, white garbage bag sticking to his bare chest, and hair which was only buzzed on the sides (reminiscent of Will Smith circa 1992. You know the one, right?)

I put down the scissors to laugh my laugh where no sound actually comes out, and begged to take a picture. His response: "No! I'm not going to end up on your blog with my pepperonis showing. No one wants to see that."

That's Ok though, because it turns out mental pictures can be just as priceless as actual ones. 

The Mrs: 1

The Mr: 0

Sorry hun. 

Keane's Quotables

"There is nothing I enjoy more than a huge dump"

The other night, after Keane's ground breaking ceremony at work, we were treated to dinner with one of his coworkers and the owner's rep on the job. While chatting over our nice meals, we all noticed how hard it happened to be snowing outside. Keane proceeded to convey his love for large snow storms with a very uncomfortable and inappropriate depiction.

As soon as he said it, he realized it came out wrong. All wrong. And I almost snorted liquids through my nose. 

That guy...

Keane's Quotables

"This is terrible! I went from a wonderful morning back-scratch to having ice cold chai dripping down my crack."

I have said it time and time again, but Keane has me in tears most days from his hilarious one liners. He is truly one of the funniest people I know and we spend so much of our time together playing and laughing. I found it a shame to deny our friends and family the same joy I get from his humor (most of the time when he's not even trying to be funny) so I will be sharing some of his best "Quotables" when they occur. 

Enjoy!

*This particular quotable was from this morning while I scratched his back on the couch. Forgetting there was a cup of morning goodness sitting next to me, it tipped and well...you get it.