Bovine Blessings

There's a great open space trail just minutes from our house that Liv and I have enjoyed getting to explore. Positioned next to the trail head sits a large cattle farm and each time we go, we're sure to make a stop to say hi to all the "moos."

I don't know if it was the endorphins or the Vitamin D or the fact that I feel closest to God when I'm outside in nature, but the last time we walked the trail, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this life that I'm living. 

With so much going on in the world–so many ugly things happening and people who are hurting–there I was, free and safe and healthy and ALIVE.

What a blessing to have eyes to see the beauty around me! 

How wonderful to be able to walk and move and play with my daughter! 

What an honor just to be breathing!

I'm making it my intention not to take a single breath for granted on this amazing journey. 

Join me, will you?

We're back

Well, would you look at that. It seems I inadvertently took a three month hiatus from writing. I could do all sorts of explaining about how time got away from me, but the truth is I needed a break from all this sharing. For a long time, all I wanted was for readers to find their way here. I wanted to create a sense of community and belonging among women and mothers. I wanted a space where people could come to share a laugh, commiserate about the trials of parenthood, inspire or be inspired, and most importantly, connect in an age of utter disconnection.

But a few years into it, I got scared. What if what I was writing wasn't interesting to people anymore? Was I sharing too much? Not enough? How would Liv feel when she's older knowing that I'd detailed her life on the internet? Once something is put out there, you can never get it back, after all. I began feeling insecure about my decision to write instead of empowered by it.

So I decided to take a step back and sit in silence for a while. Our days marched on and a lot of things happened. We celebrated a first birthday with the most special people in Liv's life. We bought another house and moved for the 8th time in 7 years. Life changed and we grew, and through it all, I just kept thinking, I should really be writing this all down. If for nothing else than our own memory.

I remembered why I started this blog in the first place. It's our family's storybook and our daughter's babybook. Over the years, Keane and I have spent so much time looking back through old blog posts– reminiscing about our adventures, laughing at our missteps and reliving the emotion of our biggest moments together. I thought about how, in 50 years from now, when my hair is white and my skin is wrinkled, I'll cherish this collection of writings more than most things. Memories fade but words and photos live on. My hope is that Liv will appreciate reading these snippets from her family and maybe even develop a love of writing like her mama.

So I've decided not to worry about the "audience," and just write. If people come, great. If they find enjoyment from our stories, even better. But I have to remember, first and foremost, this is for us and the pressure is off.

So for now, we're back...with stories to tell.

Leaf Lessons

Our trees are almost bare, the temperature is dropping and daylight savings hit us hard over the weekend. Winter is well on its way. Soon we will have to get creative with our days but for now, we are reveling in the last of the mild fall temperatures and spending plenty of time outside exploring new things...like leaves!

We love leaves!

Seeing things that I typically take for granted through a fresh set of eyes is such a joy. It's incredible to watch Liv study a blade of grass or crunch a leaf in the palm of her hand. It's truly the ultimate lesson in slowing down and showing up in every moment. 

It can be so easy to overlook the beauty and wonder that surrounds me while I rush around from thing to thing, but Liv teaches me that this moment is it. It's all there is and it's enough.

Breathe deeply, connect with something bigger, choose love, express gratitude for what we have. Those are the things this tiny human helps me do each day.  

She is a wise one, my Liv. 

So today, we challenge you to take a moment wherever you are and spot 5 beautiful things in your environment, then be grateful that you are alive to experience them. 

Life is good today, friends.

and so it is...

Vote for us!

Thief of Joy

Having a baby is tough stuff. It's beautiful and rewarding and fun and fulfilling, but it's also tough. Liv has turned out to be one active little lady. She demands constant stimulation and attention or she'll gladly make it known that she's not happy. We have to be on the go at all times– doing, seeing, exploring, learning– or she is not content. 

In addition to all that activity, not much has changed on the nap front since I wrote this post. In fact, we are averaging only three, 30 minute naps each day. It's just enough time for me to do the tip-toe run to the shower, start a load of laundry or check my email before she starts to stir on the monitor.  

This constant race against the clock is exhausting, and by the time Keane gets home from work, I'm in desperate need of a mental break.

 Unlike some other moms I've met, I have no consistent naps or early bedtimes to look forward to. Keane and I have exactly zero time together at the end of a weekday because this Miss doesn't like going to bed before 9:30pm. Once she's down, I scramble to get myself ready for bed so I can sleep while she sleeps. After 2-3 nighttime feedings, the morning comes and we are at it again.

There was a period of time a couple months ago when I was making myself crazy reading sleep books and talking to other moms, desperate to learn the secret to making a child sleep. Everyone else seemed to have all the answers and I was sure I was to blame for Liv's resistance to naps. I must have been doing something wrong. Were we not scheduled enough? Was I picking her up too soon after waking? Maybe she would put herself back to sleep if I gave her enough time.

For one week, I attempted the Ferber Method. I thought I just needed to train her to sleep longer during the day. So I let her cry in her crib alone after she'd wake from her short catnaps. After 10 minutes of screaming each day, I realized I wasn't cut out for this method. It didn't feel right for us so I stopped. It was at that moment that I gave myself and my baby some much needed grace to simply accept our present situation for what it was without trying to change it.   

A thought entered my mind around this time. If I lived 300 years ago and didn't have access to parenting books and sleep experts and all sorts of crap on the internet, what would I do?

The answer was simple. I would do what feels right for my baby and me. I would not be comparing myself to other moms in play group or second-guessing my gut. I would understand that all babies are different and that the hard stuff doesn't last forever. I would hunker down and get through this stage in the way that feels right for our family and stop worrying if our way looks different from other people's.

And so I changed my perspective on the whole thing. I put down the books and made a commitment to stop using the left side of my brain so much. My analytical thinking and constant questioning was only making me more anxious and less able to enjoy the time I spent with my babe. 

Finally, I remembered this quote.

via

...and I'm not willing to give up my happy without a hard fight. 

and so it is...

Vote for us on TBB!

Right now

A fussy babe squirms in my arms only able to be consoled through near constant nursing. The sweet sound of chirping birds floods through open windows while a fan blows air to cool our sticky bodies. A pot of chili simmers on the stove ready to be eaten. The dogs stare out the screen door waiting to greet papa when he arrives home from work. Right now, I inhale a big breath of gratitude for this little life of mine. Because right now, all is well.

2012: Year in Review

2012 was a year full of newness and adventure for this Ray Clan. It was a year of hard work and even harder play. We lived in 3 different cities in 2 different states in 2012. We traveled for vacations and weddings, met new life-long friends, decided we were ready to become parents, and thanked God when He blessed us with this tiny miracle growing inside me. We bought our first home in 2012.

2012 was a year of great reflection for me. I learned that I Am Enough and I discovered how to fight my Sunday Blues. I realized that the best thing you can do for your marriage is to make time for each other and I vowed to never stop acting like newlyweds. 2012 taught me that it's not my job to fix everything. More than anything, 2012 further instilled in me the idea that life is so damn short and if you aren't doing what you love, you are wasting your precious time and energy.

2012 allowed me the time to tap into my creative side. I did my fair share of thrifting and sewing. I brought back the Mom Jeans, did some serious work on styles from the 80s and 90s, and went dumpster diving.

Keane and I danced in parks in 2012. We escaped from civilization nearly every weekend to connect with nature. We celebrated his golden birthday in the most perfect way.

2012 was met with wonder and excitement– we expected great things and we got them. This year, I am aiming for the same. I can't wait to cradle our babe and navigate parenthood with my best friend. I look forward to new experiences and abundant growth. I feel hopeful for what the future holds and will continue to strive to make the most of each day I am given on this earth.

Here's to 2013. We are so blessed.

Weathering the Storm

I believe life is a mountain with no summit. Each day is part of the vertical ascent on a journey that has no end. We climb until the day we die, propelling ourselves forward to find growth and purpose in every step, all while trying to maintain a steady pace. Often there are storms to weather and sometimes we find obstacles blocking our path, but it's how we handle the adversities that defines our character.

Unfortunately, there seem to be some pretty heavy storms in my life at the current moment and my character is being tested. Despite all the amazing and exciting things happening, there is unrest in my soul. As expected, life has gotten far more complicated since moving back to Colorado and I'm feeling the effects.

Keane and I have been forced to face painful family issues head on, no longer having the protection of a state line to buffer us. I'm having an extremely hard time forgiving and anger has taken its toll on my heart. I feel extra protective of my space and time in an attempt to guard myself from additional hurt. This pregnancy has only heightened the urge to create boundaries for our growing family and I'm trying to parse out what is reasonable and what is emotionally driven.

In addition to that, most days I feel like I'm being swallowed up by the pace of city life. I ache for simplicity and open spaces. I crave an escape from people and their expectations. I feel like I survive the weeks only to have my precious weekends pass in the blink of an eye. Every day feels like groundhog day and I'm grasping for some meaning in it all.

Right now on my mountain climb I'm amidst some thick clouds. I can't quite get my bearings and I'm staggering side to side, bumping into rocks and bruising my shins. I'm desperate for some direction and some peace.

I don't want to waste my precious energy fighting my environment when I should be freeing myself from it, but the emotional and logical are feuding in my head. I'm angry but I know unwillingness to forgive only hurts me. I long for a change but I know the only thing I must change is my perspective.

I also know that I've gotten complacent on my journey. I've stopped taking care of my spiritual self because I've been short on time. But I know now more than ever that when life picks up, I need to slow down and reconnect with the one thing that is real. I need to pray and go to church and read and be in silence. I need refreshers on how to remain centered, living from within, because I so easily forget. I need to turn off the TV and go to the gym. I need to spend time in nature. All these things should be made a priority.

In times of difficulty we have no choice but to keep moving forward, even when it's difficult to see where we're going. The storm will eventually pass and things will become clear again. Until then, we can only refine and improve ourselves while letting go of that which is beyond our control. We can't change the actions of others, but we can choose to forgive for our own well-being. Anything less is too heavy a load to shoulder on our climb.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah Winfrey

Notable Words

Create

I HAVE THE POWER TO CREATE A HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL LIFE.

I am creating my life one thought, one feeling, one response at a time. Creation begins in mind as a divine idea. Flashes of insight and inspiration, dreams and desires, manifest into thoughts and words. As I take action and proceed in faith, divine ideas take form in my life.

Through the creative power of imagination and faith, I use my spiritual qualities and gifts, building a life that is secure, prosperous, happy and healthy.

Whether it is a new career opportunity, an innovative approach to overcome a challenge, or an enhancement for the lives of others, I have the God-given power to create a happy, successful life through the creative power of my thoughts, words and actions.

source

Get out in the world and create something amazing! Not only do we have the opportunity to make our lives great, but we have the responsibility. No one else will do it for us. Food for thought, lovies!

xo

The truth about my health is this

Last Friday marked one year since I had my spine surgery. Because of this injury, the last couple years of my life have been an uphill battle, physically and emotionally. I'm still waiting for the day when I feel like myself again because although the surgery helped the ailments I was having, I am now left with a new set of issues: an imbalance and weakness in my hips and constant burning pain down my right leg. To say this experience has been trying would be the understatement of the century. 

The Daily Word has always been a huge source of strength and inspiration for me. I try to read it each day because most of the time I feel like it was written especially for me. The messages always seem to be exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

A few weeks ago, Keane emailed me one which brought me to tears. It happened to come on a particularly frustrating day when my pain was at its worst. This is what it said:

Healing

Wholeness is my truth

The truth about my health is this: I am whole. Nothing stands in the way of this truth; rather, I stand in the truth of my wholeness. I align my mind, body and spirit with complete health. I reject activities, conversations and media choices that do not serve my highest good. I focus on Divine Life and know I am whole and well.

Through meditation and prayer, I align with my indwelling Spirit. My daily choices reflect the value I place on the life I've been given to live. I affirm my wholeness with every thought, word and action. I am healthy, whole and complete.

I am going to bring it recovery and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security. -Jeremiah 33:6

This bit of wisdom now lives prominently in our bedroom so I can be reminded everyday that I stand in the truth of my wholeness. 

I am certain there will come a day when I'm not ailed by physical limitations. A day when I can sit on an airplane to Europe, dance in the highest of heels and carry my babies around on my hip. 

Because the truth about my health is this: I am whole. And nothing stands in the way of this truth. Not even me. 

and so it is...

Life is so damn short

I recognized him immediately. He was the same man we'd seen on the beach just a few days before. It was clear that he wasn't a tourist, never coming with the typical heap of items brought by many to the beach.

Just a small pack over his shirtless shoulders, headphones in his ears and the bicycle he rode in on. He sat alone the first time, keeping his eyes to the ocean and remaining unaffected by those around him. This time however, he settled on the same fallen tree where Keane was positioned and casually asked if he could "share some shade."

After talking for a bit, we learned the man's name was Kurt and he was a writer. He grew up on Kauai, moved to the mainland, studied with some pretty influential figures, and traveled the world. We shared with him our professions, where we were from and what brought us to Kauai. We expressed some envy for those who are able to actually live on the island and explained that we'd like to find a way to move to that paradise someday.

With a smile, Kurt responded, "If there's one thing I know, it's that life is so damn short. Do it if you want to."

Kurt told us he recently suffered the loss of his wife and had returned to his roots to grieve her. He spoke vaguely and we didn't push the subject but I could feel his heart become heavy as he walked to the water with tears in his eyes from the mere mention of her name. A while later, he returned to apologize for cutting our conversation short. We wished him well and he was on his way.

Our interaction with Kurt was brief but he left a certain mark on our lives. The Life is Short sentiment isn't a new one to us. Keane and I talk constantly about living this one life we've been given with intention while remaining present in each moment. But for some reason, Kurt's story touched us. We are not promised tomorrow. Our spouses are not promised tomorrow. If we don't like something, we should change it, even if it's scary to do so. We don't get a second shot at this thing.

We started thinking about our own lives. Keane works long hours. In his industry, it's standard to put in 12 hour days without so much as a lunch break, and most people work Saturdays. We've said for years that something will have to give when we have a family because our kids will not grow up without their dad. It's something we both feel strongly about and are not willing to compromise on.

I cringe when I hear people from Keane's company say they are content working like dogs now so that they will have a comfortable retirement in the future. "It will be worth it," they say. But what if it's not? What if you die the day before you retire? Or what if you aren't in good health when you get there and you can't enjoy any of the things you put off for so many years? We are only ever guaranteed right now, this moment. It's all we've got. Yes, we have to be responsible and save and plan for our future, but I can tell you it's definitely not worth it to us to miss out on experiences and relationships now in the hopes of having something better in the future.

So, what does this realization mean for our lives? I don't know yet, but we'll continue to pray everyday for opportunities that allow us to live our best lives now, not in 40 years. If we need to change jobs because they get in the way of our family, we will do it. It may be scary, but waiting to be happy is even scarier.

Because "...life is so damn short" and no one is promised tomorrow. A wise man from Kauai taught us that.

Via

*I came across this photo on Pinterest. Not only is the message fitting to this post, but I'd be willing to bet the picture was taken in Hawaii.

and so it is...

Giving Up on Good: If I don't, who will?

Today, I'm linking up with these two lovely ladies in their quest to let go of things that no longer serve them. Ooooh there is so much freedom in this!

I have the tendency of taking on the world's problems. I think entirely too much, over-analyze most situations and feel an unrelenting need to solve every issue I encounter. I am the epitome of Type A, logical beyond all else. Lines are drawn clear in my head– right or wrong, good or bad– and when I see someone being taken advantage of or hurting, it infuriates me. I crave justice and I want to help.

This has been my nature since I was little and likely the reason my heart used to ache for the kid picked last in gym class or the homeless person begging on the street corner. It was only natural when I decided to study Psychology in college. I ate up every last bio psych and child development lecture, hungry to start saving the world. After graduation, I became a social worker, because what the heck else was I supposed to do with a BA in Psychology?

I spent three years working in the nonprofit sector before moving on to Child Protective Services where I coached parents on basic life skills (budgeting, proper nutrition, organization, etc.) and appropriate parenting. By the age of 24, I was starting to feel burnt out. It became harder and harder to disconnect emotionally, and I found that constantly taking on other people's problems was a heavy burden to carry. That job proved just how sensitive I really am.

Although I find myself in a new career today, I still struggle to hold up the weight of world in my personal life. I call it the,"If I don't, who will?" mentality and dammit, it's exhausting! I see an unfair situation and want to help. So I invest emotionally and end up worrying about things that have no direct impact on my life...things I ultimately can't change.

So today, I'm throwing in the towel on a good intention which no longer serves me. I'm taking one BIG exhale and releasing the pressure I put on myself to fix everything. I'm trading in my frustration with people who want help but who won't help themselves, and instead giving them some grace. My conviction is honorable and my passion is strong, but it's not my responsibility to save everyone. This I've learned.

I feel lighter already.

and so it is...

Is this real life?!

You know when something so outlandish happens that while you're in the middle of the experience, all you can think is, "This has to be a joke, right? No? You're serious? This isn't a hidden camera show?!"

Exhibit A.

After dropping my car off for an oil change, a kind old man from the service shop drove me back to work (15 mph under the speed limit, but that's neither here nor there.) We had a pleasant chat about Wyoming, the construction industry and his grandchildren. Later that day, after getting news that my car was ready to be picked up, the same man came back to get me. I thanked him again for the ride and somehow the topic of religion came up. Now, I pride myself on being able to easily engage with most anyone. I even welcome provocative topics and differing opinions, but there's a time and a place for everything. And as a general rule of thumb, shuttle rides with strangers are NOT appropriate forums for hard-hitting debates, which is why I was completely unprepared for what was to come.

The man asked if I was religious and I told him I was raised Catholic but now I'm much more "spiritual" and less "religious" (please excuse the vastly over-used cliche).

This is when things got weird.

Without skipping a beat, he asked, "But are you 'born again?'" I couldn't help but smirk at his shameless assumption that I was in need of "a rebirth" based on my previous answer. He must have sensed my shock because he immediately began reciting scripture to explain how badly Jesus wanted a place in my heart. Over the next 15 minutes, the man carried on about how, if I didn't give my life over to Jesus Christ, I was destined to hell for eternity. "I'm not saying you have to do it right here in front of me. But maybe tonight when you are at home, just tell Jesus that you are a sinner and beg to have Him in your life. And you'll be saved! It's that easy!"

Oh heeeeell no.

I felt like David after his dentist appointment, struggling to get a grip on reality.

Is this real life?!
Why is this happening to me?!
Is this going to be forever?!

The conversation was wrong on so many levels and I couldn't think of anymore ways to scream I'M UNCOMFORTABLE! and THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE! with my body language. I tried changing the subject and tuning him out, and when both options failed, I considered how much doing the tuck and roll from a moving car would hurt.

After what seemed like an eternity of agony, we finally made it back to the car dealership."Well Ok! It was nice meeting you," I said, as I quickly gathered my belongings and opened the door. As a parting message to me, he explained his words weren't his at all. He was merely a vessel through which Jesus spoke. "There are no accidental meetings, you know. You needed to hear this."

I'm pretty sure I was running from his car by this point.

I thought about reporting the incident to the car dealership but I didn't want him getting in trouble. He was a grandpa after all and I'm sure he had the best intentions. I should have just asked him to stop since he was making me uncomfortable, but I hate confrontation so I kept hoping he would get the hint.
News Flash: He never got the hint.

I thought about this bizarre encounter for the rest of the day and became increasingly offended. I had been a captive audience for a man who made some pretty audacious assumptions. He assumed he had all the answers and that there was only one right path. He assumed he knew my relationship with my Creator, and from that, gathered that I was in desperate need of saving. All of this because I didn't give him the answer he was looking for. He made me feel judged, isolated and bullied.

His approach was harsh and unsettling, but ultimately, his approach was badly flawed. What if it had been a Jew or a Hindu or a Buddhist or a Muslim or an Atheist riding in that car instead of me? All of whom were kind and loving beings? The belief that one group of people is right or good and everyone else is in need of salvation is disastrous. I have a hard time believing that God would create the whole human race just to damn more than half of them to a fiery eternity based on the region of the world they were born in to. Someone born in South America will probably be raised Catholic, whereas someone born in Pakistan will likely be Muslim. And what about those who are never exposed to religion at all?
I refuse to believe that a person's fate is determined by happenstance.

The truth is, religion was created by man. Man is flawed, and so religion is flawed. I think we make things more difficult than they need to be. Our purpose in this life is simply to Love Above All Else.

If we are busy loving our neighbor first, how would we have time to judge them?

source

It's funny, of all the Bible verses the man from the shuttle spewed at me, none of these happened to be included.

1 John 4:7  

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.

1 Peter 4:8 

Above all, love each other deeply because love conquers a multitude of sins.

Romans 13:8  

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.

and so it is...

I got told

l've always felt like I was an old soul, like I've been here before. There were certain qualities I associated with being this way. I assumed that because I was a worrier and lived my life guarded by fear meant that I've experienced this scary world and its threatening people more than once. I thought I had an understanding of the world far beyond my years and I called it wisdom. 

Keane is the opposite of me in many ways. He is laid back and go-with-the-flow. Not much bothers him. He was one of the souls I considered to be "new" because clearly he hadn't yet been jaded by pain. I thought I had it all figured out until the other night when the topic came up and Keane's question got me thinking.

"How do you know I'm not the old soul and you're the new soul?" he asked.


Now how on earth would he figure that?

"Maybe an old soul is one that has figured out how to let things go, be unaffected by the world and free of stress? And a new soul still needs time to perfect these things?"

::crickets::

My first response was defensiveness because, hello? It called into question my expert evaluation of self. I am nothing if not introspective.

But once I was able to get past my ego, I wondered when this husband of mine became such a wise old bird? Because life is ultimately about softening our hearts to others and the world around us. A hard exterior doesn't necessarily imply wisdom or experience– it's simply a defensive mechanism. Real wisdom comes when we learn to remain unaffected by circumstance and centered within.

I realized my mister may be onto something with this. Maybe a new soul is one who is suspicious of people, fearful of the world and a worrier to the depths? And maybe an old soul has mastered the art of living freely? Maybe they are the ones sent back to help the newbies "let go."

I always assumed opposite personalities were artfully paired together for the purpose of teaching one another things they needed to learn.

It's just that I'm realizing I have more to learn than I once thought.

and so it is...

Ask and you shall receive

How was I supposed to make this decision?! I was only 17 after all, and it would change everything.

University of Arizona was closer to home, cheaper for my parents, and a more comforting option since several of my high school friends would be attending. But University of San Diego was smaller, private, and on a cliff overlooking the ocean for goodness sake (I mean, have you seeeeen that campus?!) The deadline for enrollment to both schools was that day. I had been putting off making the decision for weeks, hoping someone would eventually just tell me what to do. Nobody did.

Now you should know I'm the type of person who stands for 10 minutes in the oral care isle of the grocery store, trying to decide between Colgate or Crest, whitening or tatar control. Options intimidate me and just muddy my mind, so imagine my angst while deciding where to spend the next four years of my life getting an education and making new friends!

It was a warm spring morning. I walked out the front doors of my high school, got into my blue Ford Explorer and drove. I just needed to get away. I called my mom, then my dad. Both helped me weigh the pros and cons but said they couldn't tell me what to do. I cried. I cried the ugly cry all over Boulder with the windows down and the music up.

I recall the exact intersection in Table Mesa where I stopped at a red light. I rested my forehead against the steering wheel and said a prayer. I asked God to please, PLEASE, just make it clear what I was supposed to do because obviously I couldn't make this decision alone. I was scared, anxious and overwhelmed.

The light turned green and cars began moving. I lifted my head, wiped away my tears, and noticed a small bumper sticker on the car in front of me. It was red and blue and white and it said 'UofA.'

A few months later, I was packing my boxes and moving to Tucson.

***

I learned something important in that moment of desperation and smeared mascara. I learned that we never have to make the scary decisions alone. The answers are always around us.

We just have to ask the question and look for the bumper sticker.

and so it is...

It's a decision

On our 4 hour journey home from Colorado last weekend, Keane and I had one of our "meaning of life" discussions. These typically take place about once a month and nothing is off limits: religion, relationships, money, sex, family, kids, and health.

If it's possible for two individuals to over-communicate, I think we might be guilty of it. 

Must be engrained in me from all my years in therapy ;)

I'd like to share the end of our conversation which went something like this:

Him: "Do you think we are just really lucky?" 

Me: "What do you mean?"

Him: "Well, a year and a half ago, I was miserable in my position at work and they transfer me to the district office. A few months after that, when I was desperate for a break from the traffic and smog of city life, they offer to move me to Wyoming for a year, pay me double my salary, and promote me before anyone else my age."

Me: "Uh huh."

Him: "Then, in September, we unexpectedly move to Casper where your dream job basically falls into your lap. You had no experience, just a passion for writing, and you were offered the job within days of applying."

I chucked and nodded. 

Him: "These past several months, we've been able to travel the country, see things we never would have otherwise, pay off all our student loans, and save for a house. Do you think it's all dumb luck or something more?"

I thought for a few moments before answering.

Me: "Here's what I think. There's no such thing as luck. We are not lucky. We are very very blessed. We've said 'yes' more times than we've said 'no' to things that seemed scary. We work hard. And we have always tried to look for the good in every situation, even if it's been difficult."

******

I believe things play out the way they are designed to and we don't always have a say in the matter. It's called Divine Order and it certainly, doesn't explain why people get cancer, loved ones die tragic deaths, or babies are born into war stricken countries. But I don't look to it for an explanation of pain. We were never promised this life would be painless, but we were given free will which allows us to choose how we react to challenges.

To me, faith in that is good enough. 

Please, don't mistake this for naiveté. I can assure you my head isn't fixed among the clouds. What Keane didn't mention in his running list of graces and answered prayers, were the equal number of storms we've had to walk through over the last few years. The painful divorces of parents, dark and confusing family struggles, and unspeakable physical challenges – all of which are real issues that we've been forced to face and deal with. I don't intend to imply that life is always rosy. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. And there will never be an explanation for why we are put on this earth to face heartache. Things don't always make sense or seem fair.

But what I found to be most beautiful from Keane's comments, weren't the mention of all the blessings in our lives. It was his omission of our hardships. He could have easily said, "Life would be really good if we could just figure out how to get rid of your neurological pain" or, "Things were a lot easier in my family 3 years ago." But he didn't because life is good now if we allow it to be. 

Each day, we make an effort to find the beauty that's around us. Not because we pretend bad things don't exist, but because we choose to focus on abundance rather than lack.

It isn't luck. It's a decision.

source

and so it is...

Enough

"It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look
funny on a horse." -Adlai Stevenson  

Self-consciousness is an ugly thing. It makes us question our nature, doubt our character and interact cautiously with the world around us. Sadly, these ideologies are learned and developed by our experiences during this lifetime. If you ever need proof that we weren't born with feelings of embarrassment or inadequacy, just observe a young child. After years as a preschool teacher, it became apparent to me just how innately self-assured these tiny humans are. They aren't afraid to raise their hand with a totally irrelevant story during circle time or get up and dance in front of a crowd to The Dinosaur Song. They don't have filters, hesitations or inhibitions because their peers are not yet threatening.

But also, children are authentic because they don't know how to be anything else. They are joyful, honest, ornery, or funny, not because they want to fit in with a group, but because that is who they are and they couldn't be anyone else if they tried.

What a beautiful concept!

The other day I streamed a talk by my favorite teacher from my favorite church in Fort Collins and listened intently as she touched on this concept of self-consciousness.

"All we are is enough," she said slowly and with conviction.

Then she repeated, "All we are is enough."

We are each born into this world perfect and whole, unaltered by the opinions of others. But the first time someone makes fun of our clothes, teases us about our glasses, belittles us because of our weight, or makes us question our intelligence, we begin to hide. We close the doors on ourselves because we start to believe that who we are isn't enough. But we are wrong. All we are is enough.

This teacher insisted that life isn't about adding anything to who we are, it's about letting go of everything that's unnatural.

This was my "aha moment."
::Insert Oprah's voice here::

Protective armor is unnatural. Remove it.
Doubt and insecurities are unnatural. Release them.
Embarrassment, hesitation and inadequacy are unnatural. Don't you see?
What's natural is the way in which we began in this world– without any of these things. When we shed all the crap we've added from years of being hurt, we can finally begin living with authenticity.

I've spent the better part of my twenties trying to uncover the areas of my true self that I shoved away little by little each time I was excluded from a group, teased about my height or cornered and verbally harassed by groups of girls for being "too skinny." In fact, parts of me have been hiding so long for fear of rejection that I'm not sure they can ever be recovered. But hearing this was exactly the permission I needed to just let go and live. I don't need to try to be more assertive or confident or strong or witty. All I am is enough.

I anticipate this shift in thinking taking some time. If it were easy, we'd all be frolicking naked in a field of wildflowers, belting our best renditions of "Let the Sunshine In," not caring who was watching. (No? Just me?) But we are creatures of habit and it's hard to reframe our thinking. Hard, but not impossible. So that is my challenge to anyone reading this who has ever been self-conscious about parts of who they are: start stripping. Remove everything that is unnatural to your soul. Because You are in there somewhere and You are enough.

and so it is...

Awakening

I got this book for Christmas from my sweet mama-in-law. It's actually the same book I got her last Christmas and she loved it so much that she bought me a copy. 

This daily devotional book is full of inspirational writing, stories and meditations to promote self-growth and awareness. 

Keane and I have been making it a habit of reading one section together each night before bed. It's already proven to be a great tool, sparking new thought and conversation between us. The book also provides prompts for a few moments of meditation after each section. 

If any of you might be interested, I would highly recommend it!

I'm excited to have this be something Keane and I can do together each day to quiet our minds and reconnect despite our hectic schedules, and I'm sure I'll be sharing many inspirational bits as I come across them. 

xoxo

2011: Year in Review

January 4th marks the first birthday of this blog.
One year ago, I made it a new years resolution to write more often, and decided to create a public place for friends and family to be able to keep tabs on our happenings.

This little space has provided me with an enormous creative outlet.
It's continually been a place I could use to chronicle memories and share stories about our day-to-day lives. I love that people from all over the world stop in each day to read the sometimes serious, mostly silly, and often mundane aspects of our humble lives.
(Hello Russia, Germany, Spain, Malaysia, Chile, Brazil, Slovenia, Columbia, United Kingdom, Latvia, Netherlands, Mexico, United Arab Emirates, Afganistan, Taiwan, and Canada!!! Thanks for reading!)

With that said, here is our 2011 year in review:

In January, the hubs and I ventured back to the place we were married for a winter weekend getaway. We became an auntie and an uncle for the sixth time with the arrival of our niece, Lily, and I toyed with the idea of staying behind while my mister moved to Wyoming. 

In February, we celebrated a dear friend's birthday while she was visiting town. Keane's parents informed us of their separation, we tried out our new mountain bikes, and began packing up our lives to start a grand adventure.

March brought with it new gadgets, reflection on relationships, and an inspiring change in seasons.

In April, we decided I would quit my job and move to Wyoming to support my husband, but only after helping my sister while they welcomed their third baby into the family. Keane made me laugh and I got a second steroid injection in my back.

 May brought winds of change (literally) when I was finally reunited with my family. We explored our new home, got really lost, and I made a tough decision.

 In June, we welcomed our best friends for a weekend stay, then traveled back to Colorado for a serious spinal surgery. I missed my family, and the love of my life turned 26. 

In July, we celebrated another birthday, hosted a few visitors, and I taught myself how to sew. 

I began to fall in love with Wyoming in August. We went camping almost every weekend and exchanged cotton gifts on our second wedding anniversary. 

September! September was legit. We discovered we would be moving again and I attempted to remain present in each moment. We took an epic trip to Yellowstone in the 'Bearded Clam' and I spent my golden birthday on a Harley.

In October, I was mean and we dealt with a major poop-related problem. I started my amazing new job and we dressed up for my favorite holiday with our favorite people. 

I was honest about my past in November and focussed on thoughts of gratitude each week. We also cooked our first Thanksgiving meal all by ourselves. 

In December, Keane made me giggle so often that I started a new series of posts dedicated to documenting some of the occurrences. I continued to struggle with pain and was very proud of my man. Our Christmas went way too fast. 

2011 was a year of exciting change and new adventures. We experienced growth in our marriage and a new take on life's inevitable shifting. It was also a year of physical challenges and turbulent emotions, which I am committed to conquering no matter how long it takes.

I look forward to 2012 with wide open arms.
I anxiously await the experiences it will hold and the people it will bring into our lives.

Wishing you a safe, healthy and joyous New Year, my friends!

and so it is...