We're back

Well, would you look at that. It seems I inadvertently took a three month hiatus from writing. I could do all sorts of explaining about how time got away from me, but the truth is I needed a break from all this sharing. For a long time, all I wanted was for readers to find their way here. I wanted to create a sense of community and belonging among women and mothers. I wanted a space where people could come to share a laugh, commiserate about the trials of parenthood, inspire or be inspired, and most importantly, connect in an age of utter disconnection.

But a few years into it, I got scared. What if what I was writing wasn't interesting to people anymore? Was I sharing too much? Not enough? How would Liv feel when she's older knowing that I'd detailed her life on the internet? Once something is put out there, you can never get it back, after all. I began feeling insecure about my decision to write instead of empowered by it.

So I decided to take a step back and sit in silence for a while. Our days marched on and a lot of things happened. We celebrated a first birthday with the most special people in Liv's life. We bought another house and moved for the 8th time in 7 years. Life changed and we grew, and through it all, I just kept thinking, I should really be writing this all down. If for nothing else than our own memory.

I remembered why I started this blog in the first place. It's our family's storybook and our daughter's babybook. Over the years, Keane and I have spent so much time looking back through old blog posts– reminiscing about our adventures, laughing at our missteps and reliving the emotion of our biggest moments together. I thought about how, in 50 years from now, when my hair is white and my skin is wrinkled, I'll cherish this collection of writings more than most things. Memories fade but words and photos live on. My hope is that Liv will appreciate reading these snippets from her family and maybe even develop a love of writing like her mama.

So I've decided not to worry about the "audience," and just write. If people come, great. If they find enjoyment from our stories, even better. But I have to remember, first and foremost, this is for us and the pressure is off.

So for now, we're back...with stories to tell.

Leaf Lessons

Our trees are almost bare, the temperature is dropping and daylight savings hit us hard over the weekend. Winter is well on its way. Soon we will have to get creative with our days but for now, we are reveling in the last of the mild fall temperatures and spending plenty of time outside exploring new things...like leaves!

We love leaves!

Seeing things that I typically take for granted through a fresh set of eyes is such a joy. It's incredible to watch Liv study a blade of grass or crunch a leaf in the palm of her hand. It's truly the ultimate lesson in slowing down and showing up in every moment. 

It can be so easy to overlook the beauty and wonder that surrounds me while I rush around from thing to thing, but Liv teaches me that this moment is it. It's all there is and it's enough.

Breathe deeply, connect with something bigger, choose love, express gratitude for what we have. Those are the things this tiny human helps me do each day.  

She is a wise one, my Liv. 

So today, we challenge you to take a moment wherever you are and spot 5 beautiful things in your environment, then be grateful that you are alive to experience them. 

Life is good today, friends.

and so it is...

Vote for us!

2012: Year in Review

2012 was a year full of newness and adventure for this Ray Clan. It was a year of hard work and even harder play. We lived in 3 different cities in 2 different states in 2012. We traveled for vacations and weddings, met new life-long friends, decided we were ready to become parents, and thanked God when He blessed us with this tiny miracle growing inside me. We bought our first home in 2012.

2012 was a year of great reflection for me. I learned that I Am Enough and I discovered how to fight my Sunday Blues. I realized that the best thing you can do for your marriage is to make time for each other and I vowed to never stop acting like newlyweds. 2012 taught me that it's not my job to fix everything. More than anything, 2012 further instilled in me the idea that life is so damn short and if you aren't doing what you love, you are wasting your precious time and energy.

2012 allowed me the time to tap into my creative side. I did my fair share of thrifting and sewing. I brought back the Mom Jeans, did some serious work on styles from the 80s and 90s, and went dumpster diving.

Keane and I danced in parks in 2012. We escaped from civilization nearly every weekend to connect with nature. We celebrated his golden birthday in the most perfect way.

2012 was met with wonder and excitement– we expected great things and we got them. This year, I am aiming for the same. I can't wait to cradle our babe and navigate parenthood with my best friend. I look forward to new experiences and abundant growth. I feel hopeful for what the future holds and will continue to strive to make the most of each day I am given on this earth.

Here's to 2013. We are so blessed.

Weathering the Storm

I believe life is a mountain with no summit. Each day is part of the vertical ascent on a journey that has no end. We climb until the day we die, propelling ourselves forward to find growth and purpose in every step, all while trying to maintain a steady pace. Often there are storms to weather and sometimes we find obstacles blocking our path, but it's how we handle the adversities that defines our character.

Unfortunately, there seem to be some pretty heavy storms in my life at the current moment and my character is being tested. Despite all the amazing and exciting things happening, there is unrest in my soul. As expected, life has gotten far more complicated since moving back to Colorado and I'm feeling the effects.

Keane and I have been forced to face painful family issues head on, no longer having the protection of a state line to buffer us. I'm having an extremely hard time forgiving and anger has taken its toll on my heart. I feel extra protective of my space and time in an attempt to guard myself from additional hurt. This pregnancy has only heightened the urge to create boundaries for our growing family and I'm trying to parse out what is reasonable and what is emotionally driven.

In addition to that, most days I feel like I'm being swallowed up by the pace of city life. I ache for simplicity and open spaces. I crave an escape from people and their expectations. I feel like I survive the weeks only to have my precious weekends pass in the blink of an eye. Every day feels like groundhog day and I'm grasping for some meaning in it all.

Right now on my mountain climb I'm amidst some thick clouds. I can't quite get my bearings and I'm staggering side to side, bumping into rocks and bruising my shins. I'm desperate for some direction and some peace.

I don't want to waste my precious energy fighting my environment when I should be freeing myself from it, but the emotional and logical are feuding in my head. I'm angry but I know unwillingness to forgive only hurts me. I long for a change but I know the only thing I must change is my perspective.

I also know that I've gotten complacent on my journey. I've stopped taking care of my spiritual self because I've been short on time. But I know now more than ever that when life picks up, I need to slow down and reconnect with the one thing that is real. I need to pray and go to church and read and be in silence. I need refreshers on how to remain centered, living from within, because I so easily forget. I need to turn off the TV and go to the gym. I need to spend time in nature. All these things should be made a priority.

In times of difficulty we have no choice but to keep moving forward, even when it's difficult to see where we're going. The storm will eventually pass and things will become clear again. Until then, we can only refine and improve ourselves while letting go of that which is beyond our control. We can't change the actions of others, but we can choose to forgive for our own well-being. Anything less is too heavy a load to shoulder on our climb.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah Winfrey

An experience I'll never forget

We were relaxing by the pool when I heard a woman begin to panic. "Whose kid is this?! He was at the bottom of the pool! Oh my God. Whose kid is this?!" I looked up from my chair to see her lifting a lifeless little body from the water. I grabbed my phone and called 911 while Keane ran to help another man do CPR on the small child. His lips were blue and dark circles encompassed his eyes. Without any idea of how long he was under water, my heart dropped and I thought for sure he was already gone. I tried to speak calmly to the dispatch operator but found it almost impossible to control my panicked voice. "He's not breathing! He's completely blue! Is someone coming? Oh God, hurry!" Men were cussing, women were screaming and kids were crying at the thought of this little boy dying, right there in front of us.

It took nearly 30 seconds before anyone even claimed the child. A man finally rushed to his side saying he was his uncle. He begged and pleaded for the boy to wake up while pacing around his body. Just then a woman came running over saying she was a nurse. She took over the chest compressions and rescue breaths while we all tried to will the life back into his body. 

After about a minute and a half, sirens approached in the distance and his tiny chest finally began to rise and fall. Water gurgled out of his mouth and color flooded back to his face. He sat, slumped over onto the woman until he regained full consciousness and then let out a wail. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief as I informed dispatch that he was back. 

This happened on sunday and I have yet to stop thinking about it. A trauma like that is hard to get out of your mind. I think about the woman who tripped over his 6 year old body as she was walking across the pool. I think about how small his little head was as I tilted it back to open his airway. I think about his uncle who will probably never forgive himself for not supervising more closely. And I think about that lifesaving nurse who happened to be in the right place at the right time. 

The boy was taken to the hospital for tests that day. There is a possibility he may have sustained brain damage since no one knows how long he was actually at the bottom of the pool before being found. 

But he is alive. 

Life is short, people, and we never know what might happen. Give your loved ones an extra tight squeeze today. xo

Times, they are a changin'

I remember the days back in college when weekends began on Thursday night. We'd try to avoid scheduling Friday classes but if they were inevitable, it wasn't uncommon to just suck it up and run on very little sleep with very pounding headaches. Three nights in a row of these shenanigans each week was our norm (Attending 2 of the top 10 party schools in the nation could have had something to do with this.)

Fast forward to today. Keane and I have had plans to go country dancing for the last nine months (because when in Rome we do as the Romans do, obviously) but every weekend after we finish dinner, we give in to our exhaustion and call it a night before the bar even opens. I literally can't bring myself to stay awake past 10:30 most nights.

This transition has been a slow one over the past five or so years. My idea of a good time has steadily shifted from staying out until the bars close, to going out to dinner before getting a good night's sleep. When we lived in Denver, I actually used to sit in bed on weekend nights and think about all the people at that very moment who were going to feel like death the next day after a long night of partying. I took great pleasure in knowing that I, on the other hand, would wake up feeling refreshed and ready for a productive day ahead. (Smug? Maybe a little.)

My new norm is far cry from tipsy cab rides home at 2:00 in the morning. It now involves taking my vitamins, flossing my teeth and reading before bed at 10:00pm. And you know what? I embrace it. I am (old) woman, hear me roar!

My strong bones and healthy gums can thank me later....ahem. High kicks and air punches for 26 year old grandmas everywhere!

Life is so damn short

I recognized him immediately. He was the same man we'd seen on the beach just a few days before. It was clear that he wasn't a tourist, never coming with the typical heap of items brought by many to the beach.

Just a small pack over his shirtless shoulders, headphones in his ears and the bicycle he rode in on. He sat alone the first time, keeping his eyes to the ocean and remaining unaffected by those around him. This time however, he settled on the same fallen tree where Keane was positioned and casually asked if he could "share some shade."

After talking for a bit, we learned the man's name was Kurt and he was a writer. He grew up on Kauai, moved to the mainland, studied with some pretty influential figures, and traveled the world. We shared with him our professions, where we were from and what brought us to Kauai. We expressed some envy for those who are able to actually live on the island and explained that we'd like to find a way to move to that paradise someday.

With a smile, Kurt responded, "If there's one thing I know, it's that life is so damn short. Do it if you want to."

Kurt told us he recently suffered the loss of his wife and had returned to his roots to grieve her. He spoke vaguely and we didn't push the subject but I could feel his heart become heavy as he walked to the water with tears in his eyes from the mere mention of her name. A while later, he returned to apologize for cutting our conversation short. We wished him well and he was on his way.

Our interaction with Kurt was brief but he left a certain mark on our lives. The Life is Short sentiment isn't a new one to us. Keane and I talk constantly about living this one life we've been given with intention while remaining present in each moment. But for some reason, Kurt's story touched us. We are not promised tomorrow. Our spouses are not promised tomorrow. If we don't like something, we should change it, even if it's scary to do so. We don't get a second shot at this thing.

We started thinking about our own lives. Keane works long hours. In his industry, it's standard to put in 12 hour days without so much as a lunch break, and most people work Saturdays. We've said for years that something will have to give when we have a family because our kids will not grow up without their dad. It's something we both feel strongly about and are not willing to compromise on.

I cringe when I hear people from Keane's company say they are content working like dogs now so that they will have a comfortable retirement in the future. "It will be worth it," they say. But what if it's not? What if you die the day before you retire? Or what if you aren't in good health when you get there and you can't enjoy any of the things you put off for so many years? We are only ever guaranteed right now, this moment. It's all we've got. Yes, we have to be responsible and save and plan for our future, but I can tell you it's definitely not worth it to us to miss out on experiences and relationships now in the hopes of having something better in the future.

So, what does this realization mean for our lives? I don't know yet, but we'll continue to pray everyday for opportunities that allow us to live our best lives now, not in 40 years. If we need to change jobs because they get in the way of our family, we will do it. It may be scary, but waiting to be happy is even scarier.

Because "...life is so damn short" and no one is promised tomorrow. A wise man from Kauai taught us that.

Via

*I came across this photo on Pinterest. Not only is the message fitting to this post, but I'd be willing to bet the picture was taken in Hawaii.

and so it is...

Giving Up on Good: If I don't, who will?

Today, I'm linking up with these two lovely ladies in their quest to let go of things that no longer serve them. Ooooh there is so much freedom in this!

I have the tendency of taking on the world's problems. I think entirely too much, over-analyze most situations and feel an unrelenting need to solve every issue I encounter. I am the epitome of Type A, logical beyond all else. Lines are drawn clear in my head– right or wrong, good or bad– and when I see someone being taken advantage of or hurting, it infuriates me. I crave justice and I want to help.

This has been my nature since I was little and likely the reason my heart used to ache for the kid picked last in gym class or the homeless person begging on the street corner. It was only natural when I decided to study Psychology in college. I ate up every last bio psych and child development lecture, hungry to start saving the world. After graduation, I became a social worker, because what the heck else was I supposed to do with a BA in Psychology?

I spent three years working in the nonprofit sector before moving on to Child Protective Services where I coached parents on basic life skills (budgeting, proper nutrition, organization, etc.) and appropriate parenting. By the age of 24, I was starting to feel burnt out. It became harder and harder to disconnect emotionally, and I found that constantly taking on other people's problems was a heavy burden to carry. That job proved just how sensitive I really am.

Although I find myself in a new career today, I still struggle to hold up the weight of world in my personal life. I call it the,"If I don't, who will?" mentality and dammit, it's exhausting! I see an unfair situation and want to help. So I invest emotionally and end up worrying about things that have no direct impact on my life...things I ultimately can't change.

So today, I'm throwing in the towel on a good intention which no longer serves me. I'm taking one BIG exhale and releasing the pressure I put on myself to fix everything. I'm trading in my frustration with people who want help but who won't help themselves, and instead giving them some grace. My conviction is honorable and my passion is strong, but it's not my responsibility to save everyone. This I've learned.

I feel lighter already.

and so it is...

Is this real life?!

You know when something so outlandish happens that while you're in the middle of the experience, all you can think is, "This has to be a joke, right? No? You're serious? This isn't a hidden camera show?!"

Exhibit A.

After dropping my car off for an oil change, a kind old man from the service shop drove me back to work (15 mph under the speed limit, but that's neither here nor there.) We had a pleasant chat about Wyoming, the construction industry and his grandchildren. Later that day, after getting news that my car was ready to be picked up, the same man came back to get me. I thanked him again for the ride and somehow the topic of religion came up. Now, I pride myself on being able to easily engage with most anyone. I even welcome provocative topics and differing opinions, but there's a time and a place for everything. And as a general rule of thumb, shuttle rides with strangers are NOT appropriate forums for hard-hitting debates, which is why I was completely unprepared for what was to come.

The man asked if I was religious and I told him I was raised Catholic but now I'm much more "spiritual" and less "religious" (please excuse the vastly over-used cliche).

This is when things got weird.

Without skipping a beat, he asked, "But are you 'born again?'" I couldn't help but smirk at his shameless assumption that I was in need of "a rebirth" based on my previous answer. He must have sensed my shock because he immediately began reciting scripture to explain how badly Jesus wanted a place in my heart. Over the next 15 minutes, the man carried on about how, if I didn't give my life over to Jesus Christ, I was destined to hell for eternity. "I'm not saying you have to do it right here in front of me. But maybe tonight when you are at home, just tell Jesus that you are a sinner and beg to have Him in your life. And you'll be saved! It's that easy!"

Oh heeeeell no.

I felt like David after his dentist appointment, struggling to get a grip on reality.

Is this real life?!
Why is this happening to me?!
Is this going to be forever?!

The conversation was wrong on so many levels and I couldn't think of anymore ways to scream I'M UNCOMFORTABLE! and THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE! with my body language. I tried changing the subject and tuning him out, and when both options failed, I considered how much doing the tuck and roll from a moving car would hurt.

After what seemed like an eternity of agony, we finally made it back to the car dealership."Well Ok! It was nice meeting you," I said, as I quickly gathered my belongings and opened the door. As a parting message to me, he explained his words weren't his at all. He was merely a vessel through which Jesus spoke. "There are no accidental meetings, you know. You needed to hear this."

I'm pretty sure I was running from his car by this point.

I thought about reporting the incident to the car dealership but I didn't want him getting in trouble. He was a grandpa after all and I'm sure he had the best intentions. I should have just asked him to stop since he was making me uncomfortable, but I hate confrontation so I kept hoping he would get the hint.
News Flash: He never got the hint.

I thought about this bizarre encounter for the rest of the day and became increasingly offended. I had been a captive audience for a man who made some pretty audacious assumptions. He assumed he had all the answers and that there was only one right path. He assumed he knew my relationship with my Creator, and from that, gathered that I was in desperate need of saving. All of this because I didn't give him the answer he was looking for. He made me feel judged, isolated and bullied.

His approach was harsh and unsettling, but ultimately, his approach was badly flawed. What if it had been a Jew or a Hindu or a Buddhist or a Muslim or an Atheist riding in that car instead of me? All of whom were kind and loving beings? The belief that one group of people is right or good and everyone else is in need of salvation is disastrous. I have a hard time believing that God would create the whole human race just to damn more than half of them to a fiery eternity based on the region of the world they were born in to. Someone born in South America will probably be raised Catholic, whereas someone born in Pakistan will likely be Muslim. And what about those who are never exposed to religion at all?
I refuse to believe that a person's fate is determined by happenstance.

The truth is, religion was created by man. Man is flawed, and so religion is flawed. I think we make things more difficult than they need to be. Our purpose in this life is simply to Love Above All Else.

If we are busy loving our neighbor first, how would we have time to judge them?

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It's funny, of all the Bible verses the man from the shuttle spewed at me, none of these happened to be included.

1 John 4:7  

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.

1 Peter 4:8 

Above all, love each other deeply because love conquers a multitude of sins.

Romans 13:8  

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.

and so it is...

If your life sucks, and even if it doesn't

"Love is natural, cynicism is learned. Come home." -Alan Cohen

If you haven't heard of Alan Cohen, I highly recommend reading his books.


My favorite is Why Your Life Sucks And What You Can Do About It. I have wanted to give this book to everyone I know for years but I'm afraid they might find the title a tad offensive. Believe me, it's NOT just a book for people who think their lives suck. It's a fun, easy read and I'd be willing to bet anyone would get something out of it. I just ordered Relax Into Wealth: How to Get More By Doing Less......Because, obviously.

I'll keep you posted on all the secrets I learn :) Happy Hump Day peeps.

For your viewing pleasure:

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Time keeps on slippin', slippin'

I came across this video a few weeks ago. The message is simple.

The key to a happy marriage is spending quality time alone with your partner.

It seems intuitive, right? Of course we should spend time with our partner. We did choose to be with them after all. We must enjoy their company. But why then, do so many couples struggle to stay connected throughout the years?

I see how easy it can be to get caught up in the routine of work, kids and family. You start to lead separate lives under the same roof and before you know it, you are strangers. I have seen it happen to many relationships which is why I love the message in this video so much. It's crucial to find time, free of any distractions, to really be together. Like Dana Fillmore says, how can anyone expect to work on issues in their marriage if they don't even make time to talk!

I was shocked to hear that people having an affair somehow manage to carve out 15 hours per week to spend together, while most married couples struggle to find 1! If we don't make it a priority to connect one-on-one with our partner, we will inevitably grow apart.

My favorite part of the video was her insistence that "your kids will not thank you if you put them first but then get a divorce." I've found this to be true for everything in life. It doesn't matter how many assets you have or how accomplished you've become in the workplace. If you don't have a strong foundation, everything else will fall apart and then what was it all for?

Dr. Fillmore recommends couples schedule at least 8 hours of alone time per week (NO KIDS ALLOWED!) and I can only assume sitting in front of the TV together doesn't count.


I once heard Dr. Phil say it is a better investment in your marriage to spend money on one weekly date night alone (i.e. get a babysitter) than it is to save money all year for an extravagant vacation– his point being that relationships require consistent effort and one big hurrah every year won't cut it.

I shared this video with Keane and we are trying to be more conscious of the time we do spend together. Are we giving our undivided attention or are we distracted by something else? Are we truly listening to one another or are we thinking about what we'll say next?

Some interesting stuff to think about...

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and spend some quality time with the one you love.

xo

Ask and you shall receive

How was I supposed to make this decision?! I was only 17 after all, and it would change everything.

University of Arizona was closer to home, cheaper for my parents, and a more comforting option since several of my high school friends would be attending. But University of San Diego was smaller, private, and on a cliff overlooking the ocean for goodness sake (I mean, have you seeeeen that campus?!) The deadline for enrollment to both schools was that day. I had been putting off making the decision for weeks, hoping someone would eventually just tell me what to do. Nobody did.

Now you should know I'm the type of person who stands for 10 minutes in the oral care isle of the grocery store, trying to decide between Colgate or Crest, whitening or tatar control. Options intimidate me and just muddy my mind, so imagine my angst while deciding where to spend the next four years of my life getting an education and making new friends!

It was a warm spring morning. I walked out the front doors of my high school, got into my blue Ford Explorer and drove. I just needed to get away. I called my mom, then my dad. Both helped me weigh the pros and cons but said they couldn't tell me what to do. I cried. I cried the ugly cry all over Boulder with the windows down and the music up.

I recall the exact intersection in Table Mesa where I stopped at a red light. I rested my forehead against the steering wheel and said a prayer. I asked God to please, PLEASE, just make it clear what I was supposed to do because obviously I couldn't make this decision alone. I was scared, anxious and overwhelmed.

The light turned green and cars began moving. I lifted my head, wiped away my tears, and noticed a small bumper sticker on the car in front of me. It was red and blue and white and it said 'UofA.'

A few months later, I was packing my boxes and moving to Tucson.

***

I learned something important in that moment of desperation and smeared mascara. I learned that we never have to make the scary decisions alone. The answers are always around us.

We just have to ask the question and look for the bumper sticker.

and so it is...

It's a decision

On our 4 hour journey home from Colorado last weekend, Keane and I had one of our "meaning of life" discussions. These typically take place about once a month and nothing is off limits: religion, relationships, money, sex, family, kids, and health.

If it's possible for two individuals to over-communicate, I think we might be guilty of it. 

Must be engrained in me from all my years in therapy ;)

I'd like to share the end of our conversation which went something like this:

Him: "Do you think we are just really lucky?" 

Me: "What do you mean?"

Him: "Well, a year and a half ago, I was miserable in my position at work and they transfer me to the district office. A few months after that, when I was desperate for a break from the traffic and smog of city life, they offer to move me to Wyoming for a year, pay me double my salary, and promote me before anyone else my age."

Me: "Uh huh."

Him: "Then, in September, we unexpectedly move to Casper where your dream job basically falls into your lap. You had no experience, just a passion for writing, and you were offered the job within days of applying."

I chucked and nodded. 

Him: "These past several months, we've been able to travel the country, see things we never would have otherwise, pay off all our student loans, and save for a house. Do you think it's all dumb luck or something more?"

I thought for a few moments before answering.

Me: "Here's what I think. There's no such thing as luck. We are not lucky. We are very very blessed. We've said 'yes' more times than we've said 'no' to things that seemed scary. We work hard. And we have always tried to look for the good in every situation, even if it's been difficult."

******

I believe things play out the way they are designed to and we don't always have a say in the matter. It's called Divine Order and it certainly, doesn't explain why people get cancer, loved ones die tragic deaths, or babies are born into war stricken countries. But I don't look to it for an explanation of pain. We were never promised this life would be painless, but we were given free will which allows us to choose how we react to challenges.

To me, faith in that is good enough. 

Please, don't mistake this for naiveté. I can assure you my head isn't fixed among the clouds. What Keane didn't mention in his running list of graces and answered prayers, were the equal number of storms we've had to walk through over the last few years. The painful divorces of parents, dark and confusing family struggles, and unspeakable physical challenges – all of which are real issues that we've been forced to face and deal with. I don't intend to imply that life is always rosy. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. And there will never be an explanation for why we are put on this earth to face heartache. Things don't always make sense or seem fair.

But what I found to be most beautiful from Keane's comments, weren't the mention of all the blessings in our lives. It was his omission of our hardships. He could have easily said, "Life would be really good if we could just figure out how to get rid of your neurological pain" or, "Things were a lot easier in my family 3 years ago." But he didn't because life is good now if we allow it to be. 

Each day, we make an effort to find the beauty that's around us. Not because we pretend bad things don't exist, but because we choose to focus on abundance rather than lack.

It isn't luck. It's a decision.

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and so it is...

Enough

"It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look
funny on a horse." -Adlai Stevenson  

Self-consciousness is an ugly thing. It makes us question our nature, doubt our character and interact cautiously with the world around us. Sadly, these ideologies are learned and developed by our experiences during this lifetime. If you ever need proof that we weren't born with feelings of embarrassment or inadequacy, just observe a young child. After years as a preschool teacher, it became apparent to me just how innately self-assured these tiny humans are. They aren't afraid to raise their hand with a totally irrelevant story during circle time or get up and dance in front of a crowd to The Dinosaur Song. They don't have filters, hesitations or inhibitions because their peers are not yet threatening.

But also, children are authentic because they don't know how to be anything else. They are joyful, honest, ornery, or funny, not because they want to fit in with a group, but because that is who they are and they couldn't be anyone else if they tried.

What a beautiful concept!

The other day I streamed a talk by my favorite teacher from my favorite church in Fort Collins and listened intently as she touched on this concept of self-consciousness.

"All we are is enough," she said slowly and with conviction.

Then she repeated, "All we are is enough."

We are each born into this world perfect and whole, unaltered by the opinions of others. But the first time someone makes fun of our clothes, teases us about our glasses, belittles us because of our weight, or makes us question our intelligence, we begin to hide. We close the doors on ourselves because we start to believe that who we are isn't enough. But we are wrong. All we are is enough.

This teacher insisted that life isn't about adding anything to who we are, it's about letting go of everything that's unnatural.

This was my "aha moment."
::Insert Oprah's voice here::

Protective armor is unnatural. Remove it.
Doubt and insecurities are unnatural. Release them.
Embarrassment, hesitation and inadequacy are unnatural. Don't you see?
What's natural is the way in which we began in this world– without any of these things. When we shed all the crap we've added from years of being hurt, we can finally begin living with authenticity.

I've spent the better part of my twenties trying to uncover the areas of my true self that I shoved away little by little each time I was excluded from a group, teased about my height or cornered and verbally harassed by groups of girls for being "too skinny." In fact, parts of me have been hiding so long for fear of rejection that I'm not sure they can ever be recovered. But hearing this was exactly the permission I needed to just let go and live. I don't need to try to be more assertive or confident or strong or witty. All I am is enough.

I anticipate this shift in thinking taking some time. If it were easy, we'd all be frolicking naked in a field of wildflowers, belting our best renditions of "Let the Sunshine In," not caring who was watching. (No? Just me?) But we are creatures of habit and it's hard to reframe our thinking. Hard, but not impossible. So that is my challenge to anyone reading this who has ever been self-conscious about parts of who they are: start stripping. Remove everything that is unnatural to your soul. Because You are in there somewhere and You are enough.

and so it is...

This one's for the girls

About 90% of the time, I love being a girl.
The pretty clothes, indulgent beauty routines, strangers who open doors for you in public or let you order before them at Starbucks for no reason... What's not to love?!

I'll tell you what's not to love– the other 10% of the time.

There are a few things in life that make being a lady less than awesome for me. The times when I'm embarrassed of the name some women give to the rest of us. The times when being a guy would be so much easier.

As I was perusing Pinterest the other day, I came across this picture of Pippa Middleton, who, besides being related to the Duchess of Cambridge, has done nothing to merit her recent fame and notoriety.
She's just a girl.
Even so, the woman responsible for pinning this picture of Middleton thought it important to note the price of her articles of clothing and the fact that they ought to be "besties" because she adore's Pippa's apparent addiction to coffee. 

::face in palm::

While I'm sure Pippa Middleton is a lovely girl, reading this made me cringe. This woman is professing her love for another person without the slightest clue about who she really is. The label on her trench coat or the price tag on her scarf does not make her a nice person and hardly someone worthy of being "adored." 

It's overtly shallow and superficial, and not a good look for anybody. 

Aaaand then there's the ladies on The Bachelor. 

Oh dear, this show makes me so embarrassed to be a woman.  

One of the girls spent two whole episodes sloppy drunk and crying, and then was surprised when she wasn't given a rose!

Girlfriend was a hot mess. 

Stereotypes that women are clingy, dramatic and overly emotional exist because of girls like this.
It was a mere TWO episodes which probably equated to 30 minutes of one-on-one time for her and the guy– hardly enough time to warrant emotion like that if you ask me.
Sister! Pull yourself together, exit with a little class and move on with your life. Sheesh.

Finally, the fact that I am always on the lookout for a potentially dangerous situation as a woman leaves me wanting to trade in my x chromosomes and call it a day.
I can't walk alone at night without scanning the scene for predators. If I have to spend a night without Keane, I plan my escape route in case someone breaks in. During college, when I'd walk home from a late class, I'd have 911 dialed on my phone with my finger on the call button so help wouldn't be far if I needed it.
And most recently, when I'm by myself in the workout room after dark, my mace is always nearby.

I hate the fact that I even have to think about these things.
I remember one conversation Keane and I had after we first moved in together. It came up that I was alone in an elevator with a man the day before and felt very uncomfortable because it was at night and there was no one else around. He was really surprised to hear that something like that would frighten me and admitted that he's never felt unsafe in a situation where he was alone. He told me he was so sorry that I had to experience life like that.

Like I said, being a girl is pretty sweet most of the time.
But on the occasions when it's not, I'd prefer to shave my head, develop selective hearing, and talk to my friends about cars or something.
Things would be a lot easier.

Awakening

I got this book for Christmas from my sweet mama-in-law. It's actually the same book I got her last Christmas and she loved it so much that she bought me a copy. 

This daily devotional book is full of inspirational writing, stories and meditations to promote self-growth and awareness. 

Keane and I have been making it a habit of reading one section together each night before bed. It's already proven to be a great tool, sparking new thought and conversation between us. The book also provides prompts for a few moments of meditation after each section. 

If any of you might be interested, I would highly recommend it!

I'm excited to have this be something Keane and I can do together each day to quiet our minds and reconnect despite our hectic schedules, and I'm sure I'll be sharing many inspirational bits as I come across them. 

xoxo

I know I will

This is just about the most inspirational story I've ever heard. Whenever I feel like complaining, I will remember this woman and her incredible strength. 

I hope that you read this and count your blessings each day. 

I know I will. 

Paralyzed Carolina bride still hopes to walk again

Can I ask a favor?

As I slid slowly into that familiar, narrow tube with an IV pumping contrast through my veins, I focused on my breath. 

In

Out

Deep 

Slow

The room was cold. Classical music played in my headphones, attempting to drown out the banging of magnets which whirled around my body. I opened my eyes just long enough to catch a glimpse of the top of the MRI machine inches from my face, then quickly closed them before a claustrophobic panic set in.   


Third MRI in 12 months, I thought to myself.
Good thing they don't use radiation, or my uterus and ovaries would be crispy by now. 
Oh crap, my hands are falling asleep. 
 I wonder how long I've been in here?
Breathe. Focus on breathing!


In
Out
Deep
Slow


Mozart and Bach were frequently interrupted by the tech's voice telling me how long the next set of pictures would take.

"This one will be about nine and a half minutes, Ok? Hold real still."

"Ok," I would respond, as if there was anything else I could do. My hips were anchored down with a brace and my feet were taped together. 

The entire scan took 2 hours.

***

My recovery from back surgery has been a very slow and painful process, both emotionally and physically. Without going into a ton of detail, I'm still experiencing immense pain most days in my back, hips, pelvis, and legs. The pain I'm having feels very different than before surgery so we're hoping last week's MRI of my hip and back will shed some light on what might be going on.

I'm scared of what they might find, but even more so, I'm scared of them finding nothing.
Because I want answers.
Answers to why my body feels like it is failing me at 26.
Answers to why surgery by one of the top neurosurgeons in the state of Colorado might have helped one problem but caused others.
Answers to when, if ever, I can expect to feel like myself again.

I've moved through the spectrum of emotions over the last six months: hopeful, encouraged, defeated, depressed, furious.

Keane has been such a tremendous support through it all. He reminds me not to give up, to remain hopeful. He sends me emails throughout the day to check up on me, and holds me when I fall apart on the floor in a puddle of my own tears.

Hopefully, I'll know more next week after meeting with my Doctor. If you wouldn't mind sending some prayers, thoughts, or positive vibes my way, I would be very grateful.

xoxo

November Gratitude: Week 4

This week, I'm thankful for:

-My husband for being my number one support through a very rough physical and emotional patch

-Manheim Steamroller Christmas station on Pandora (For a girl who hated Christmas up until a few years ago, this is big. really big. Keane even declared it as being the only Christmas music he enjoys listening to!)

-The next four days to spend in my jammies, cooking, crafting and cuddling with my better half

-A job I love that is both challenging and stimulating

-Food on our table, a roof over our heads and a warm bed to sleep in

-Trust in the timing and plan of something much bigger than myself

Happy Thanksgiving week to you all! 

November Gratitude: Week 3

This week, I'm thankful for:

-The White Noise radio station on Pandora (I was literally looking for white noise to play in my headphones at work when I stumbled upon something much, much better)

-My "me time" in bubble baths by candlelight
-Slobbery dog kisses
-This picture of my sweet niece, Lily, who got ahold of the chocolate ice cream lid

-Daily texts from my mister to remind me of his love and support

For a look back at weeks 1 and 2