Oct 11, 2013

Letters to Liv: You have changed me, my love

My Dearest Liv,

Next week you will be six months old. One half of one year. How that happened, I will never fully grasp.

You have changed me, my love– changed your papa and me both. We are so in awe of the fact that we made you. We reminisce often how this beautiful, intelligent and active 14 pound human was once the size of a sesame seed drifting around in my belly. We talk about how one year ago while growing you, I was struggling to keep my lunch down and today, I'm struggling to find the time to actually eat lunch at all. You have changed me, my love.
There are times when you don't seem real; times when I feel like I'm living someone else's life. How did this all happen? All the dreaming and planning in the world couldn't have prepared me for precious you. I am a mother now, and that reality still floors me from time to time. When I look down at the end of the day to find snot smeared on my shoulder, as I fold tiny baby laundry or anxiously pick out things to buy you with my birthday money, I smile and think I am a mother now. You have changed me, my love.

When I'm alone at the grocery store, I find myself jiggling the shopping cart or unintentionally swaying back and forth in the check-out line. You are my second nature. In fact, you are my first nature. Everything about having you in my world seems right. You were always supposed to be here, in my arms and in my heart. You have changed me, my love.
Each new day with you brings so many wonders. The first time I watched you drift back and forth in a swing, grinning from ear to ear. The way your eyes grow big each time the dogs walk by, trying to figure out what on earth those hairy beasts are doing in your house. How you so badly want to get up and go– you think this immobile baby stuff is for the birds. 

The other night before your bath, I watched the wheels turn in your sweet little head as you scanned the shower curtain up to the ceiling and then around the metal frame that holds it in place, as if thinking, "Oh, so that's how that works. I get it now." You are curious and inquisitive and so, so smart. (I'm not entirely sure where you got that from if I'm being honest.) There are countless things to figure out in this world and I am honored to be your witness through them all. You have changed me, my love.
My love for you grows more and more each day. You are truly a miracle, Liv. My miracle. 
And you have changed me, my love.

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